Do not say what you mean. Ever. Be ambiguous. Always.

Make them apologize for everything.

Always bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago, or with other boyfriends.

Look them in the eye and start laughing.

Demand to be called or e-mailed often. Whine when they don't comply.

Get mad at them for everything.

Cry.

Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

Plan little relationship anniversaries, like "the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library and exchanged that little look". Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing loud.

Criticize the music they listen to.

Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them if you are. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

Try to get them to dance when they don't want to.

Ignore them.

When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

Read into everything. Over-analyze everything.

Cry. Cry often. Try to change them. When they don't, cry.